Comedic Monologue with a Twist
I wish to finish this book on a philosophical note. It starts as comedy, which may not either be a bad idea right now after what we have seen together in previous chapters.
It seems to me that since this exposition picks up, from here, and ventures into the even more dire, more intense—albeit fruitful and imperative—apprehension of our environmental debacle, this is a good time to step back, to contemplate and assimilate, and to the extent one can, be buoyed up, refreshed, and re-created before the necessary trek into the heart of this darkness. You might consider this the hobbit’s interlude in Elf Kingdom before taking up again the quest, continuing through the devastated land of Mordor to its center, to Mount Doom, where exists the only true brightness in the bleak expanse, the only hope.
This is Auto Salesman’s story. It is he talking. Lest one be confused, this is not me talking. I am not an auto salesman and don’t know the life that he describes for himself.
But I know of it, very well. I was brought up in a very much working class family. I know the class consciousness that auto salesman describes, having it everywhere around me as a child and adolescent…as brothers, father, friends, teachers, coworkers. I also went to a semi-ivy league college attended by many well-to-do students. And I have been a student or instructor at other such educational institutions in my life. I feel I have a little something to say about class differences and perceptions.
Still, this is Auto Salesman’s story, as I said. It came through me from god only knows where. I listen to it and read it with ever more understanding that I did not have when I spoke it a couple years ago. I often perceive it as a stranger would. This is the creation that I feel is the most alien thing that I have ever done, even more a distinct character and different from me than the fawnish character in “Thank You, George W. Bush.”
Not that I am at all unhappy that my muse chose to send it out to the world through me. I thoroughly enjoyed and still enjoy the entire bizarre yet philosophical world this monologue opens to us.
Still, you be the judge. I can not know very well how others really take this. But I believe it is a powerful understanding, in the end, of the inner worlds that are in play in our national and world dramas at the moment and provides rare philosophical perspective on it all.
Anyway, what this is specifically is a very funny monologue in audio form with the bulk of it transcribed here as well.
The character speaking is an auto salesman. The invisible non-speaking other, a Mister Boehner by name, is a well-to-do man who is there to buy a car. Lest there be any misunderstanding the fact that he was given the name of the current Republican Speaker of the House has only one significance: I see the Speaker as a despicable representative and voice of the filthy rich. I do not mean to insinuate the Speaker’s actual life is in any way like that portrayed for the rich man or is even so by analogy. I am aware that in fact the Speaker’s life is quite different from the one depicted. However, it seems fitting that since Mister Boehner represents the moneyed elite in Congress his name should point to the wealthy here as well.
This monologue is a bit risqué at times, so be forewarned. However, it is not more risqué than you’d hear on cable TV. The well-to-do patron, Mister Boehner, is constantly teased, and sexual innuendos are used. But this monologue is more than just sexual banter.
In fact, the monologue uncovers more and more of the character. And despite one’s initial reaction to his crudeness—which could be revulsion, and even if that you can’t help laughing at him despite yourself—the listener is forced to have warmer feelings at times, and then more often. This puts one in a position of trying to unravel one’s various feelings about this working class crude person and the “rich” people that are described.
This reading is continually funny and becomes more philosophical toward the end and even a bit poignant. Overall it portrays class or people as complex, and the entire thing could be anyone’s Rohrshack Test, as there may be as many reactions to these people as there are listeners. As the dialog unfolds the auto salesman discloses and reveals increasingly more of himself.
The climax is when he tells a story about his boss’s life that moseys into allegory. In that way, the story reflects meaning back into the relationship at the car lot. The auto salesman’s strange push-pull dialog with the rich customer takes on a deeper meaning. The listener may not know what to do with the feelings evoked…may initially label the man as crude and no-class and later come to see a side behind the crudeness that looks more and more familiar. Yet there is absolutely no obvious message or bias apparent. How one views the ending is quite unique to each listener.
Here is the author’s audio performance of this monologue of comedy, allegory, and analogy. To hear it, click on the audio site above or click the audio player here.
Now, you really don’t want ta leave without just writin down your name on this piece of scrap paper with this figure on it….
[laughing in background]
What are you laughing about? Ok, well it must be… Ok, as long as she’s with you…
[someone snort laughs]
You lost your wife and you come up with her, a snorter! Aaaaa haaaa! Well, I’ll tell ya. Well, we’ll talk about karma later, Mr. Boehner. Anyway, oooo weeee!
As well! You really should snap it up now, but I hear… I hear ya, y’know—wife and kid dead for lack of HEALTH insurance because you lost your job! And they got two different conditions at the same time! And with all the different doctors for each of them, each getting many tests, since it was thought to be something more exotic than it turned out to be!
And, you having medical…and you having medical but you having to pay out of your pocket for the expenses and you had them see as many as you could afford. But it was not enough.
And now they’re up in heaven. And you got the insurance company money from this tragedy but of course, you’re really hurtin. So, I hear ya. Got it all, didn’t I?
C’mon you gotta admit I did that pretty well, right, Mr. Boehner?
Eh, whatever, Mr. Boehner, I understand. You’re down in the dumps…understandably, I say, understandably.
Hey! I also say, If you’re not allowed to be sad when your entire family all of a suddenly die, all of em, y’know…. Not to mention it bein a lot of it on your head, y’know, cause you’re not being able to provide, as is our job, we men. And darn it I know that’s gotta be the hard ‘en not to think about, I know. I know it would break me, you see.
Ye, wel…. Uh… Whataya doin there, Miste…. Mister Boehner, come on, man. Now just…. Now, now, na… Ok, now look…eyu….
It’s getting dark out there, yea, I understand that….
[an even longer pause]
[someone sings:] “Oh, my lover…I just…”
Now, Mister Boehner, you just stay away, now. I mean I know you’re… C’mon, man…. The…. I’m just your auto salesman, ok?
En, I know I’ve been awful kind to you, y’know?… And I’ve been talking to you about sex and everything and trying to cheer you up, y’know?… ‘Course you didn’t have to hit me in the face for that one thing, y’know….”
Mister Boehner, well, that’s where I’m not going to, y’know, no, I’m, I’m not kinky, y’know?…. I’m not that way, ahm kinky, man, y’know? I mean, y’know, like I told you last time, I mean, I’m kinda en I’m kinky in the head! But that’s just in the head, y’know? No it don’t comen out, it don’t come out, I mean, I ain’t got holes in my ears, er nuttin like that, I mean, y’know.
Sorry bout that, and….
Not being able to provide for your wife and, eh I mean…I know how it would break me, y’see?
Yea, ya wish I had a buck fer every time that I’ve told….
Every time I’ve told….
[really, really long pause. Sound of lips smacking at times]
“Mr. Boeh-ner, get back be-hind the coun-ter.”
Ok, now. Ah, I’ll pretend that didn’t happen ok Mister Boehner, now, like….
Shew! Man. You guys are…. Where’d you say uh…. Never mind, never mind.
I wish I had a buck for every time I told people that about your havin a damn right to be sad when your family all die off around you suddenly. Leaving you all alone…tsk, tsk, tsk.
Yep, that’s a bad one, no doubt, but you can see that…all those times I was sayin it…well you might say I made the world a little bit more accepting of your right to be grumpy and stuff…right now….
Just a little, of course! I mean…just. Y’know.
I mean, don’t overdo it or anything, y’know.
Hell, I don’t need to pump myself up, I tell ya yer looking at the least of an ego kind of a guy as you’ve probably ever seen. But gotta I tell you, Mister Boehner, we all gotta look out for each another now…don’t you agree?
Like it says in the Bible. It just occurred to me you’re probably doin a lot of…like they say…Bible-thumping lately? Yea, we all get religion when we’re feeling so guilty and sinful, don’t we? Yea, we’re goin to church, Bible groups, and a course we’re prayin like crazy, aren’t we?
Yea, we’re prayin like crazy, aren’t we?… yea….
Pray-in fer goin ta church! Prayin for our little girl…who lost her chance…to even have a life? And your no doubt loving wife for….
Seen the picture you showed me and she was the hot one!…WHOOOOO! MAN, YOU DOG! You bagged yerself an anilos, or a cougar, I mean…errr…more than a milf! I mean…erright, she…so she musta loved you, lookin that sexy… [chuckling]
I’m sayin this only as a complement to your good taste and your obvious qualities…that she saw in you…that nobody else can see, like….
How cu…how could I see them? y’know i mean….
I guess I’d have to be a hot chick er something though, couldn’t na…not of course…I mean, I…
No I hope you did’t think anything about my little joke. Nah, just plays fer me and maaan! I guess I’m a lot like you that way, you with that hot piece you had….
Guess you’re really, really gonna miss sex with her, huh?
Now don’t get tense, I know you’re sad….
Just tryin to cheer ya up is all!
But this way, I mean I like sex and all but I’m not into anything weird or nothing not that there’s anything wrong with that if somebody else is [mumbles] but I’m just tryin ta say that I’m not into anything weird myself. I mean…it ain’t my taste….
But when you showed me her picture y’know I just…got to give you all the credit. You must got some…really powerful hidden charms er something [chuckling] only…only she can see like, y’know, I…don’t you ha…they have dog whistles that we can’t hear? Or it’s too loud for us? Or something?
Don’t wanna be saying anything stupid. That first way sounds too freakin impossible I’m sorry I did it, y’know?…said it, but…. But then it’s funny I maybe I…cin get a smile outa you yet!
Yea! The idea of a dog hearin a whistle that humans can’t hear, christ, how stupid!
Oh, sometimes I guess I…. Don’t it just seem that we all get a little…dim, and need to change our batteries, that’s all.
But let’s not be talkin about me, y’know I really gots to tell you that it’s a tribute to you and it’s the…godhonest truth, I’m not shittin jya, uh, believe me, why, why would I say this unless it were the truth cause like I say I ain’t no perv. Nope. Straight as an arrow.
But that hot babe a wife a yours…
Course, what did ya have to do? What did you have…what did you do….?
Would ya have to do send out for the Saint Bernards when you’d lose your way in those mountains?
Yow, what I’m saying but…better not use that phrase any more.
These younger folks, y’know. They’d think I’m an old fart now I bet ‘ey got the same the same kind of joke amongst their own, y’know, friends these days.
But ain’t this a trip I guess the punch line is probably something so different I…. I can hear them talkin to each other ‘s like, “Hey, buddy….
[break in transcription]
…her own Dad … preacher guy, you say, oh oh, that’s sometimes pretty kinky. There’s all those guys on TV; then you find out they’re leaving the wife at home to be tappin prostitutes or prowlin or something.
No, nothing. It’s just a funny thing is all. It’s kinda like for the P.K and then for the PK kid, they’re all pretendin that, well, It’s like sex doesn’t exist. Oh, there’s birds, and then there’s bees.
Now I am gonna have to laugh my ass off. I’m thinking of all these chicks , or guys, I’m not prejudiced, you see. And they’re all these PK kids and they’re now adult; and they start having articles in Playboy about how ya got these folks out a lookin in the country to like score… yo’know, like going down to the Southside for us, but they’re out looking for good bee and bird.
“Want cher best B and B,” I can hear them sayin it. Picture it’s like these Amish dudes, they’s askin. You know they’re now making fake fireplaces and making money hand over fist….
So… Why ya mopin your life or begrudging me a little fun I get. I mean, hey, man, ya practically killed them yourself. With all you had you’d a thought you’d taken better care of them.
Listen, here is my gift to you.
So.. yea, got hook nose beak face slopey-headed profile…but…and I’m better lookin than you…but…money’s always a problem…and I won’t be sayin I’m too awful smart though I get by. I’ve had lots of Tom Waits Saturday nights. And I took the advice of the song, and I’m getting pretty ok spaghetti.
I learned to be happy for a nighttime…when the light’s out…and on those occasions when I’m in bed with my ugly wife, I’m sure as hell thinkin about something that looks more like yours.
So, you’re sad. That’s bad karma for practically BEING A MURDERER.
Ha, ha…just kiddin, just kiddin, bro…It coulda happened to anybody…it coulda been anyone of us…WHO HAPPENS TO BE AS BRAIN-DEAD AS YOU…
He he, no, I’m just foolin, I’m just foolin on you…got ya good that time though, didn’t I? he he
No, no, I didn’t mean no…I didn’t mean anything by it… I’m just a little goofin with your mind is all, y’know, like your mommie did, y’know
“Where’s Mommie?” yer askin yerself,. You’re startin to cry, maybe, or begginnin to piss your pants…
Yer sayin, “The whole world has come to an end…” but you remember and never forgot it…and never forget it…that napkin that was dangling in the air…
How bright were you then, Mr. Blackberry, heh heh. Well that’s rich. Come on, Grumpy-Face, are you now gonna start cryin about missin your mommie?!
No, man, just goofin on ya. Just havin a little look-at-the-poor-little-geeky-faced-brain-dead-rich-boy fun…fun with you…
You think us poor folks can afford to have such thin skins?
Well, aren’t you lucky again then!? You think I give a shit anymore if a boss of mine comes in and chews me out for bein stupid for some job I did…callin me lazy or brain dead? Ya think it bothers me listenin to him…with his face right in mine and his words…heavier because of the ninety-proof SPIT that’s email attached to every ungrateful word jamming up my inbox? … Nooo. Not really.
The guy’s a drunk…but he doesn’t know what he’s talkin about. The jobs are done perfectly, to a T. Better than he could ever ‘ve done it in his prime.
And even though I’ve never been accused of smart I’d run this business a hundred percent better than this sixty-seven year old snot nose little boy who was born too rich to think that he was just a…human in the end…. Too rich to think that he could ever be so unspecial and unprivileged as to not know everything without having to learn anything.
No. The poor guy’s just a little kid at one time…looks around at himself and his surroundings and then around at every one else and he learns that…what anyone else would conclude…everyone else except the others in his rich circle of specialness is lowly.
So he grows bigger. y’kin see him looking around but ever more down at the other people who are not special and whose lot in life seems to all be about growing smaller and smaller…even as he grows bigger and bigger. He was living on top of this house on top of the hill. He could just see those people far away..and he just never left there. And he just kept thinking, “Man, these people just keep growing smaller every time I get bigger!”
But he thought that made perfect sense. He didn’t know any different. But poor guy actually while gaining in height even grows bigger in girth and, like I said, still comparing he sees even his overweightness as more proof of his specialness and their smallness.
His magical abilities to know all the answers without cracking a book…is like intuition or divinely inspired…so his sense of his greatness expanding, his ego swelling like a hot-air balloon…and all the people looking like ants from his place of specialness.
Divine privilege, it is now, and wisdom, and power. As an adult it seems there is but one path, but that’s as meaningless to him as saying there’s only one God…he he he.
But, y’know, he’s surrounded by others who quite magically…it seems to him…and conjuring further is further proof of its truth…as if he needed any, having been letting him know over the course of his life increasingly and then as an adult, without inhibition and doubt, or restraint, amongst themselves that is, letting it be known that in fact they have all the same conclusions…see the world the same way…right down to the tiniest details.
It is so divine, uncanny, wonderful, and more and more just so plainly obvious that he cannot imagine…it simply never occurred to him…that in his infrequent excursions among the Lowly—a term describing the absolutely only way he can see them. And the only way all the so-called real people in his circle can see them too. And it being so obviously true he is sure they all see it.
So in these infrequent instances of elbow rubbing with the masses, he is confirmed in everything, even by these Lowlies themselves–to their obvious deference to him, their currying of his favor, and friendship, their often lowly, base, slavish lowering of themselves, humiliating themselves in their willingness to debase themselves with a smile and their caving to any and all of his wishes, desires, or lusts, year after year passing, where no longer anything worthy of even a passing thought of this now obviously perfect and righteous structure of the world of living things—God above, but very much alike to himself and the others in his circle…they can do no sin…their decisions are always correct…their understandings of the way of things, always perfectly accurate.
And below are these disturbingly base, ignoble, shameless…well…”creatures”…rather. For certainly closer to the hordes of other living things than they are to his kind.
And of course these animal, insect, and myriad other living things being lower still can only be seen as things to be used as resources. For they are eaten as food, forced to do work, to satisfy ‘em… much like the human Lowlies. The needs, wishes, urges, desires, and proclivities of the “real” people.
It’s the universe perfectly in order with all things—animal, vegetable, mineral…everything, indeed, that exists…facing inward as if it were toward the center of this huge circle of everything. And at the center are himself and those like him.
The only morality that exists or even could exist he thought once, in a rare philosophical moment, are the things consistent with his obviously truthful, very easy to understand universe.
How perfect. How simple. There is no grief or hardship other than for those in the Circle of Privilege. For anything without had its very reason for coming into existence the fact that it might at some time be brought forth, taken, used, consumed, or in some way allowed to fulfill or play a part in the enhancing of the pleasure, worth, or feeling of experiencing life for those in the Circle.
For in their charity of their truth, there IS no other experience than their experience. No other actually true life, no actually true pleasure, no really existing pain other than those of the Circle.
The other, seemingly living things, in fact, depend upon the ones in the Circle to do the living that they are incapable of…but which as the ones in the circle have observed…they can have a kind of creature or zombie life-sense to the extent that they can mirror, ape, emulate, mimic, fake the experiences of the Real People.
So a phantom kind of experience is that which sustains them and is the goal, source, and reason for their being. But they do not have real experience of their own. They are totally dependent on those in the Circle to live and experience life. As whatever their experience, it is a direct feed from the center.
Thus, the richness of experience in all forms becomes the food for all…the sustenance of life, its only reason.
The Lowlies are phantom or creature-like things that have their place in reality, truth, experience, consciousness at about a midway point between the non-living substances—that which is inert, lifeless, matter—and the “real” beings.
There is therefore only two paths in their life. Facing into the world of nonbeing, inert matter, which is obviously their fate at some point; and facing in the direction of the Center, which emanates aliveness, richness, drama, lust, complexity, desire, fear, power, omnipotence, all derivatives of immediate experience.
Morality, for example. Which is defined thusly: What is good is whatever is acted, experienced, thought, or felt by the Reals. So both the Reals and the Lowlies are symbiotically related. The one as source of life. The other as mere resources to serve as the things or toys that can be used or not used.
It is all about what the Reals can desire, imagine, wish for, consume, or want…or make out of things other than them. And that includes the Lowlies.
But the Lowlies are capable of a phantom-like semi existence, say, feeding on the actual events and experience, and the sights, sounds, and movements of those in the Center. They therefore face toward the Center, and fix their attention there. For it is the only place from which a vicarious experience, involving the imagining and acting out of that which it is possible for Lowlies to apprehend.
So that was the universe that spawned my boss. One problem in this perfection. Something so horrible that all the seeming benefit of being Real of the Circle of the Source, the Special, became turned upon its head.
You see, in time, gradually, little by little, then more frequently and increasingly, my boss, and others in the Circle, not all–through pure random action or as a result of the events not controllable–who did everything and every resource had as its purpose not just the possibility of being used, consumed, or simply to exist as backdrop for the ones in the Circle, but, for as the Real people saw it, being akin to divinity, perhaps Divinity itself as far as they could tell, they were the only Deciders, Intenders, Planners, Schemers, Desirers, and independent actors.
So it sustained their beliefs of the way of reality to use freely of the resources, either to use lightly, if their intentions, imaginations, and decisions regarding what would happen and exist was of a kind that did not require much of those not them. On the other hand if their desires, intentions, play and so forth involved heavy use, misuse, or destruction, consumption of those not them, it was all the same in terms of the rightness of things.
As mentioned there were things that happened that were not…well, you might say…in the playbook. And this was the big flaw in that entire system.
I don’t know how long, how many years, it may have been hundreds, that his family and his kind lived that way. But, well, just look around you in this day and age. What they had to do to maintain that idea is they had to pretty much stick to themselves all the time, pretty much not get to know any of the Lowlies. And that was pretty easy, cause if you looked at the Lowlies and you felt that, you know, they were not quite human, you didn’t have any inclination.
But what, perchance, if you’re down at a place in town or something, and perhaps one of the Lowlies is keeping a shop there. And then she should happen to smile at you, or one of the ones in the Circle.
And then she starts…”How ya doin today” and all that. And it’s like, the woman you figure, she’s probably programmed that way and everything but…you got, you see the great smile. And then you realize, she’s like…listenin…and she’s chipper…and she’s…well, that’s the sad thing is that, for all of their drama making and everything, all of their plans of doin this and doin that so that other people could experience stuff…well, the problem with my boss was…and…he had an experience like so many others did or were starting to have, and this was his experience with that girl, y’know?
And he saw her just…in that store…just…singin, being chipper, havin fun…seemin to dance around the store, y’know…as if she was just…happy….
But there was no reason to be happy. Especially not for her. And she didn’t get no happiness from up there…in the Circle. So he was dumbfounded.
Not only that but the nature of her happiness was so far beyond anything that he’d seen anywhere that was called happiness. They’d had so many, so many…wonderful…they thought…experiences…really well planned out…y’know, costing lots of money and stuff.
And there she was. No money. Nothing. And yet she seemed really happy in a way that seemed more real and genuine than anything he’d ever seen.
Well, that really shook my boss. And…there was a series of those kind of events and….
I don’t know how many people live up in that Circle or even if it exists but my boss got older and he started doing this stuff and I got to be a job with him.
Well, all I can say is there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t seen him…. Heh… funny… Well, he was sayin how they would all say how these Lowlies were livin half lives, like zombies.
Y’know, it’s the strangest thing, Mr. Boehner, I never…since the day I met him I’ve never seen him as anything but a zombie…bein on booze all the time…
And so… I can’t hate him… I mean, could you? .. I mean…could you? Could your kind….?
I mean…. That’s like kinda like hatin…well…an animal that annoys ya. You don’t go smack a dog around or a cat or nuttin like that just for bein a dog or cat!
And whatever he is, it’s like, he can’t help being himself now, now he’s already it. And I don’t even know if he ever had any choice in becoming it…what he became ‘cause…all’s I know is I never thought much of life and I never…I never…I never so, y’know…thought of myself as close to divinity or maybe God Himself *scoffing* and I never thought everybody around me, oh, could do whatever they, y’know, I could have whatever I wanted. I never thought I had that kind of power or that kind of importance or anything.
So, y’know…so they “Sweep this up here,”and, y’know, “Fix that thing over there,” and, y’know, I say they can say whatever they want I mean, I don’t care.
It’s like…I like it, y’know? I like using my hands. I like touching the earth. I like the touch of tools…nice cold tools, and makin nice snappy wrenches and nice snappy sounds as you’re twistin those things around and you’re getting tight, just right perfect snug. There’s perfection in a world like mine.
And, y’know, it’s like, there’s no stress, I mean. Sure, I mean, I ain’t got your kind of wife, I mean. I like got ok spaghetti, like I said, y’know?
And, uh, now how do I compare that…. I ain’t really ever been unhappy really….. Disappointed…. But easy to accept considerin my background and… People around me, it’s like, it ‘s not like, it’s not like I’m any worse than anybody.
So I don’t feel bad really. And…and my boss…I don’t know how it would feel, Mr. Boehner, do you? You’re all the way from up from being a…years and years and years thinkin yer…yer god-like…you’re above everybody…you’re divine, and there’s no…and everybody’s there for your pleasure…and there’s nobody can resist you?
In fact I wonder what happened with that girl. I mean that first girl. I mean, I wonder if she…if he really…he’d ever….
He talked about her a lot. But now that I’m remembering the way he talked about her, it was like, it wasn’t happy after a while, it was like….
My god, I think that’s what did it. I think it was probably the first time he had an experience where somebody wasn’t fallin all over him, willin to do everything he wanted. It’s…it musta been that she was just so happy and everything and…she said no, and had some respect.
But don’t ya see what all that is from how high…. Can you imagine feelin that superior and dominant? And then comin down and bein..like as if you’re like now like you’re livin with the worms and that’s what you found out you’re more akin to them than the birds in the sky that you were once flyin with? Huh!
So how can I be mad at him?
So what I want ta ask you, Mr. Boehner…you rich folks…pretty wives…unfortunate tragedies… god only knows what kind of sex and imean uh… And you know, us…. And then there’s my boss….
Now, who’s livin the vicarious life? Who’s livin the real one? Or is anyone?
ANYway. Mr. Boehner, you just put that piece of paper down there, and you put your name on it and I’ll have it for you tomorrow, and, uh…. Don’t forget, y’know, guess you’re gettin your ride home tonight, hear it comin….
You’re thinkin about your wife and your kids and everything and…
So remember I’m always on your side, but y’know….
[singin] The dancin’ she do ain’t gonna be with you… hahahahaha….
This is as funny as it sounds. I did it; and I still can’t stop laughing, especially since it was completely unplanned, an improv off of a screw-up in the reading of “Anatomy of Class Consciousness.”
When these things come through you in the spur of the moment, when you’re on a roll, you just know that God’s got to be the best comic of all. I don’t know where else this kind of material comes from. I’m still laughing.
Hey, maybe I can do what auto salesman wanted to do, yea! That’s the ticket, “SillyMickel does Perry Como does the Doors.” Yea. They’d wait months for tickets to that show. Yea!
Oh my God, did I just say that out loud. I didn’t did I? No way!! Oh, I did? … (damn!)
“Oh, man, who the hell, who the hell sings like that, man. That was like the fucking worst I’ve ever sung. Man, where my mind been that I can’t remember the Doors, and somewhere out of the really far past, I’m singing “Backdoor Man” by Perry Como…. Wow….
“But ya know. Somebody’s laughing I think I can make a gig out of this…. Ya know, can’t you see it: ‘Perry Como Does The Doors’”
There’s’ no way that any more can be expressed in text; it has to be heard.
To hear this clip taken from Anatomy, click on the link to the audio site above or click the audio player here.
This is just plain nonsense–a combination of vocal gymnastics and memorable one-liners, super-silliness cut from the beginning of “Anatomy of Class Consciousness.” The primary speaker is the auto salesman. The invisible non-speaking other is a well-to-do man, called Mr. Boehner, who is there to buy a car. His actions are implied from the reaction of the auto guy.
As far as who is the singer and who is the snorter, that is the riddle for the listener to try to solve. Along with how John Wayne managed to walk through…and how come he can’t see.
“I’ve been telling you about the “filthy rich….”
“You lost your wife and you come up with her, a snorter! Aaaaa haaaa! Well, I’ll tell ya. Well, we’ll talk about karma later, Mr. Boehner. Anyway, oooo weeee!”
“If you’re not allowed to be sad when your entire family all of a sudden, suddenly die, all of them….”
“I know I’ve been awful kind to you…and I’ve been talking to you about sex and all, trying to cheer you up, y’know..course you didn’t have to hit me in the face for that one thing, y’know….”
“I’m not kinky…. I’m just kinky in the head; but that’s just in the head; it don’t come out; don’t come out; I ain’t got like holes in my ears, er anything.”
“Mr. Boeh-ner, get back be-hind the coun-ter.”
To hear this clip taken from Anatomy, click on the link to the audio site above or click the audio player here.
This picks up from the clip “Auto Salesman Does Perry Como Does The Doors.” It takes the story forward to a time after Auto Salesman has tried out his “special talent” in front of an audience tryin to sell his CDs shopping-network style.
“You too can have the full 15-CD set. Each one packed with eight hours of Perry Como…er, me…doing Perry Como…doing The Doors…Rolling Stones…and Beatles…and, you name it! Probly got it….”
“Ok, I’ll try something different next time then….”
“I didn’t like those looks I got from the audience…. It was like…I mean…If I was on the G Network or QVC, whatever like that, man. It’s like, if they had anybody in the audience, it’s like… Shit, man, and I’d be, I’d have to go run off the stage, and, y’know…. I’d just, y’know…wow, man…Jee-sus. I mean - if there’d be more of them they’d be throwin up, it was like that bad, y’know…it’s like…Jesus Christ! Specially that one woman…she-sh’ dinu’fess at all, man, she like — Wow, man… How’d you get to be alive, you suck….”
“I can’t seem ta think of the tones… What happened to me…what happened to me I forgot The Doors and I been Perry Como’d and…….they did somethin ta me…when I was a kid…they must’ve injected Perry Como syrup inta me er sumpthin…. I’m telling you they injected Perry Como syrup, I mean they were dishin’ all kinds a stuff fer the kids ‘n… I mean they were conrollin’ those little fucks-i’mean us.. me.. they were tryin ta control us…
“And they would use anything…spankin’ ‘n…sirup…injections… I mean, I believe it…
“We only caught ‘em on the LSD later on… We don’t know what they were doing earlier… to little kids… yea, they won’t tell you that.”
To hear this takeoff from Anatomy, click on the link to the audio site above or click the audio player here.
This is the last clip in the Auto Salesman series.
This is not clipped from the long monologue and is another spinoff from “Anatomy of Class Consciousness.” In this one, Auto Salesman tears into the author, SillyMickel, talking kind of like his alter-ego.
About SillyMickel, Auto Salesman says:
“What’s his big fucking beef? What’s he got against George W. Bush? What’s his beef anyway…better than that bozo we got up there. I don’t know what’s his beef. He says something like, ‘Oh, he says, oh, he says like, oh, I…why, he says…he says,
‘Why George W. Bush, he, uh, he’s behind the Trade Center bombing and it was a government job, all for the purpose of doing this and that, and it killed thousands of people,’
“and, not only that he said the scientists are saying that we only got 20 to 50 years to save the planet, and that we’re all gonna die.
“And I say, “You call them reasons?” ….
“You call them reasons?” I mean…..
“I didn’t see where that affected MY pocket book one bit! Now where does he come from? Just because people, just because the whole world’s gonna die…
“I’ll be dead by then, probably…so what the hell do I care? I don’t think anybody should be caring if it’s not going to effect them!
“Now, as far as the children and the grandchildren … are gonna die in a fiery inferno and whatever in the next 20, 30 years and all the planet’s gonna be wiped out, now, I think: THEY should be worried! It’s THEIR problem, right? Ain’t my problem…why should I care?
“So, I said to that erudite little fuck, ‘You stay in your fuckin’ jar…well, stop botherin’ me with this stuff about how we’re all gonna die and everything like that because NOBODY cares…If it’s not them, you know, they don’t even care about their children so…what does it matter!?….”
To hear this spinoff from Anatomy, click on the link to the audio site above or click the audio player here.
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